I wrote
this about 10 days ago. Before the broken arm forced me into bed-rest &
Morphine. This setback with breaking my arm has been extremely depressing but,
with my broken wing, I’ll be back to fighting strength soon.
As often as
one considers it throughout their journey, I’m now in a position of actually
having to look over my shoulder & access my life. This can be done at any
point of life, of course; but the finality of being told that “your days are
numbered” brings everything you’ve ever done a screeching halt. With no
warning, you’re now “a patient” & all of your energies need to go into the
purpose of healing &/or recovery. Surprisingly, I’m not bitter; I’m
actually grateful that my script didn’t contain death by a head-on collision,
or a sudden stroke or heart attack, or a dissolving memory wracked with
confusion & fear. I’ll see this one coming as my health declines. On some level,
I HAVE to be grateful for having this avenue given to me. I can bring my
friends along, you can share my experiences as you wish, & hold my hand
when I leave. We can all learn & love during this journey! Thanks for
staying with me!
First off,
I began by thinking short term. I’m SO glad that we traveled to Dieppe last
year, my goal is to be healthy enough to return in 2018. We’ve spent every
August Jolly Up with friends in England
& even had our beautiful wedding there in 2015 amongst dear friends.
In the past few years, we’re traveled extensively to be with other kiters;
Fanø, Twenterand, Oregon, Outer Banks, France, Enid, & more. The kiting
family is huge & worldwide! Each year, I remember saying, “Can we afford it
go?... Yes... let’s do it now, while we can! Ya never know what may change in
the future!”, was always my answer.” I had no idea how prophetic that statement
would be! I’m certain that we’ll make it to the Maryland convention later this
year; we’ll continue to do our Regional festivals into the Fall & maybe the
Spring; & possibly even be able to make it back to Dieppe next year. We’ll
see. I suppose that’s the first thing you realize when you hear those words;
you know that you can’t make any long term reservations.
As far as
our expected Regional kiting events, I think Christian can lead the way if I’m
not 100%. Yes, I think going to convention will be fine, even though I have no
idea of my upcoming physical condition. I think I’ll be okay to make the trip
this September; I hope so! I would HATE to miss it! Dieppe, a year from this
September, is a little more questionable, but we’ll see how I respond to
treatment along the way. I expect to still be strong, but I don’t want to kid
myself! I’ll soon get a handle on the effectness of all of this & on my
condition as I endure whatever it brings.
Okay, those
were my immediate thoughts. The things that are ON the calendar. Within a short
time, the big picture emerges in one’s memory. What have I done with my life?
Did I miss anything? Did I live to my highest potential? Did I occupy my place
on the planet well?
I’ve always
said that I’ve had the most incredible life of anyone I’ve ever known, & I
stand by that statement! I’ve had unimaginable lows, balanced by unimaginable
heights. I’ve known some of the most fascinating people, & all of them have
taught me something invaluable. I’ve had an incredible, amazing life! What am I leaving behind? Ah - the big
question! What DID I leave? Who WAS I? Did I leave a memory of kindness, grace,
& dignity?
Earlier I
mentioned “my script”. There are some folks who believe that the soul sets out
a list of life challenges before birth. These are Earth School tests or
challenges, if you will. I’m one of those people. I don’t believe that we’re
just pin-balls randomly conking into each other & occasionally hitting a
light, a buzzer, or a flipper. I deeply believe in a greater purpose, a meaning
for all of the events of our life & the people that we encounter. They’re
all in our lives to teach us something or to offer us the opportunity to teach
someone else. We’re challenged to be present & to commit ourselves to
identifying the underlying opportunities of each event. So, when this latest
challenge from my medical team appeared, “You have cancer!”, I took a deep breath
& had to ask my myself, “What has this come to teach me?” & “How can I
find my highest purpose with which to move forward?”. I can’t half follow my
own beliefs! If I created this situation before birth, in order to test myself
as I move through it, I need to try to find my Highest Self to do the driving.
You don’t have to agree with me - you can shake your head & say that it’s
all just random acts of nature, cells out of control, entrophy - as are head-on
collisions, heart attacks, strokes, or dementia. But I’ve seen glimpses that
convince me otherwise. I trust those glimpses to guide me & to raise me to
a higher place of understanding & tolerance of this situation. If that
strikes you as a shitload of rationalization, I’m okay with that! Maybe that’s
what it takes! It works for me to have this belief system. My trust has no
effect on you; but in buying a ticket to travel with me, it helps if you can
see it through my eyes.
Death
doesn’t frighten me. It was interesting to note that what DID frighten me was
the idea of having to return & start over - to be a child again! This was
the unhappiest time of my life! I don’t want to do it again, but I don’t
remember any alternatives to that unhappiness! Maybe my soul has those other
memories, stashed away in a “past lives box”; but my childhood from THIS time
around was miserable. My only escape, my only joy, was through music, singing,
& dancing. My remaining time during childhood was spent in fear. I was
unwanted & rejected; but my lesson through those years was simply to live
through it. I knew that if I could just survive it, I’d be better on the other
side. Plus, I learned to never have to depend on anyone. The people who say
they love you do not, & the people who are supposed to keep you safe will not.
One more thing I learned was who & how I didn’t want to be. I knew that
those people had a choice, & I vowed to not be the example that I was
shown. People have called me “fiercely independent” over my adult years. Yeah,
I get it; but it was self-protection, not a choice. In the end (no pun intended),
I do feel as if I got short changed. I never truly learned to trust anyone
& to genuinely let myself be loved. That’s a shame. But I never stopped my
own compassion from taking that risk. That’s a blessing.
Well, each
case of cancer is completely different; I’ve been hearing that refrain for a
couple of weeks now. Of course, I’m hoping to be
“the-one-who-beats-the-odds”... but “the odds” are still a crapshoot - anything
can happen... & the more I learn, the more those “odds” are stacked against
me! I think of all of the folks who’ve said, “I KNOW you’ll be he miracle!”,
“You’re so strong, you can beat this!”, even “I know you! You’ll visualize the
cancer being gone & it’ll dissipate!”. I’d love to be able to buy into
their trust! I even feel it as a personal challenge! I love their conviction,
but it’s more than just a matter of willpower at this point. I have to be
pragmatic; without being negative & surrendering to the disease. It would
be so much more comfortable to believe their good wishes, to buy into the
fantasy that I can overcome this. But I have to be realistic! I simply can’t
afford to not take the threat to my life seriously... if not just for my own
sake, for the sake of my dear husband who’ll be left behind.
Speaking of
my husband, he’s fallen into a kettle of fish, hasn’t he? Let’s see... to be
with me, he walked away from a life he’d known for over 30 years. His friends,
his family, his job, his home - all were left behind in another country; left
there to begin again in America, to be with me. Then, The Universe plays THIS
ratfink trick on him! His Passport says Great Britain- but he hasn’t lived
there for over 30 years - he can’t return there! He knows neither the country
nor the culture! He was in Germany on a Work Visa all of those 30 plus years,
but he no longer has, or even wants, a job in Germany - he can’t return there.
He knows the country & the culture, but he would have no avenue to return!
As we realized the worst case, I asked him to make that decision. Without hesitation,
he wants to stay here - but he’s just now getting settled. It’s all still
foreign to him! What a nightmare! I won’t try to speak his story, it’s not mine
to tell; but I can’t imagine the abandonment & isolation that he must be
feeling closing in on him, in addition to the overwhelming shock & grief at
my diagnosis & life expectancy! Then, let’s add to that the pressure of
being my caretaker! YIKES! Where do you begin to sort all of THAT out? My
organizational left-brain has had to take over & try to forsee all possibilities
in the event that I disappear. Ever wonder what would happen if, & when,
you died? Computer passwords, bank account access, extra keys, recipes, all of
it gone... with no source of recovery. All of that “how to” knowledge that you
take for granted. No option of, “She always handles it!”. He HAS to know, he
has it know it ALL, & he has to know it all SOON! So, in addition to trying
to process all of the emotional reality of my pending death, we’ve had to
create a crash course in Current Life 101.
So, what’s
ahead? As much as I love you all for using the word “miracle”, I can’t risk
being too hopeful for miracles! I need to keep my expectations closer to
reality; I can’t afford false hope or wishful thinking! Yes, I’ll hope for
having a few years, & will dream of a few more years due to the potential
for clinical trials, but I need to realize that it may only be one year, maybe
two. In my mind’s eye, I see the expected 3 years with aggressive targeted
treatment, tend to add another 2 years because I have no chronic issues or
health problems, & I tend to throw on another two years due to some
clinical trial that hasn’t been invented yet. But the cancer keeps growing. We
really won’t have a clue until the treatments begin. Tick... tick...
tick...
- Gayle -
